Sometimes change just creeps up on you

So I haven't been blogging much at all these few months. I'm not sure why but words just don't come to me anymore. Maybe because these past few months have just felt like one giant, exhilarating, and sometimes scary emotional roller coaster. More often than not, I've felt that each day that passes have to be filled with something exciting or indulging or impromptu or grand, or just something that makes me happy with the preoccupation. Because of this, time seems to be flying, I seem to be barely holding on to my old self anymore, my fingertips are slipping day by day and one day soon, I feel like I'm going to lose my grasp and fall into the abyss of someone else's life. Someone else's simple, straightforward life filled with simple and materialistic joys, filled with fun and friends and simple happiness, but devoid of my late night philosophical musings; of those moments when I just sit and question things - when I just sit and write whatever's flowing through my head; when I just lie in bed staring at the night sky, contemplating the future, the past, the meaning of something deep.

But change is inevitable, and for me especially I mold to the people around me so easily. It's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact I'm happy. These past few months may have been a big blur, but a big happy blur with a few ups and downs and a few tiny small moments of heartache where I felt like tearing my head off and use it to smash a hole in the wall. But other than that, it's been good. I've been good. And you know what? I have faith that the old me will manage to hold on and come with me for the reset of the ride through 2012.

I think one of the biggest goals I should be trying to achieve is to make myself stop being so damn scared of everything. I'm getting there little by little, but I want to be fearless. I want to be confident and unintimidated, to charge through life unafraid of taking opportunities thrown my way, unafraid to go out there and snatch myself some opportunities if they don't come to me, and most importantly unafraid to make things happen, to say yes, to be happy, to stay happy, to live with no regret, no fear, and even no hate.

I want to be one of those people that can make other people happy, that can tease a laugh or a smile out of someone and make their day that little bit better and brighter and lighter.

For now, find me here:
http://lovesongsandrainynights.blogspot.com

(Not to say I won't be back here, I might. Just waiting for the words to come back to me)

Speed of Life (see what I did there)

It's scary how fast life goes by these days. a day in a blink of an eye, a week in two. A year sometimes feels like you went to sleep on the 31st of December, only to wake up on the 31st of December a year later with the vague recollections of a very vivid dream.

I recently watched a video on Youtube explaining the whole "life is like a roll of toilet paper - it gets faster as you get nearer towards the end" quote. New experiences are always so vivid in our memory. The "firsts" of our lives happened in our childhood, making everyday when you were a kid seem like a journey, the littlest things traumatic, the tiniest surprises making you estatic.

But when we start to grow up, "firsts" become rare. There's not many firsts left for us to do. Or, more often than not, we choose not to take anymore "firsts". Because living inside your comfort zone is so damn comfortable right? Taking risks is.. well risky (brilliant vocab I have today), and being safe will guarantee contentment.

But contentment isn't happiness.. it's not that true, exhilarating happiness you experience in those brief and precious moments of your life. Why do people strive to be happy? Because it feels good I guess. But see, feeling good doesn't feel good if you feel good all the time (I can't help that my brain is coming up with such amazing synonyms). Happiness can only be truly appreciated if you've experienced hardship and stress and sadness and anger on the road to happiness.

Life is short because time flies. Time flies because what is time? It's all in your head. A set of mutual memories shared between a few people. Our brain records these memories and learns from them. If you don't do anything knew, the brain doesn't have to do much work to process what's just happened. That memory will just drift away and be lost among a whole swamp of murky happenings. Only your firsts remain vivid inside your head. They're milestones of your life, right?

To make time fly, easy. Do the same thing every single day. Soon it'll be almost robotic. You'll wake up to find yourself at work, not remembering how you got dressed, brushed your teeth and walked in a daze to the office. But it must have happened because here you are, exactly where you've been everyday at this time. Are you happy? No. But are you sad? No, you're not sad either. You're content.

But to make time slow down? To remember the vivid recollection that was last night, the exhilarating rush of adrenaline that was last night, the uncontrollable smile of true happiness that's the result of last night; well that's a bit harder. How can you constantly keep yourself on your toes? Doing new things, taking more "firsts" and creating more "lasts", making life feel longer and richer and fuller and grander...

Oh man I'm so hungry..

New goal

Hmmm I was deliberating whether to title this post as "I have a dream" or "A new hope", but I resisted (watching too much Big Bang Theory makes you come up with cheesy/nerdy puns I've concluded). But yeah with this year's results coming out, the subject of scholarships has been broached again by my parents. The computer science department is not without its rewards (as I've only just discovered, although it's still not as well funded as some other departments). There's a "Kiwiplan Scholarship" worth 4.5k that's rewarded each year to three students in their second-to-last year of study. For me that'll probably be next year (although I'm still doubting whether I can be mentally mature enough to jump straight into the workforce after only 3 years at uni...) and all they ask is a bare minimum GPA of 6, "excellent" verbal/written english, and enough charisma to convince them that you have problem solving skills, project management skills, interpersonal skills, keen interest and relevant experience etc. etc.

The main thing is that the recipients also receive around two and a half months of summer employment at the Kiwiplan company. They're even so reasonable as to give your two weeks of holiday upon request. And although working away the whole summer for two months+ (not being able to return home or go overseas..) it still sounds like a pretty good deal to me. As long as they do pay you and it's not one of those "voluntary work experience" internships that may look great on your CV but leaves you broke from paying accommodation costs.

I wonder how I can make myself proactive at uni next year. It's not like high school where councils are easy to get into and you do basically fat all for the whole year.. maybe AIESEC? I have to work super hard to maintain grades as well as not drop out halfway through the year like I kinda did with everything I joined this year. But why not, it's better than being a bum and wasting my time away playing facebook games and watching American/British sitcoms like I did this year (apart from Dr Who. Time watching Dr Who was time well spent)

Lol and I initially had the plan to fill my spare time next year with gym. Out of laziness I'd pick study over gym any day, cognitive exercise is so much less painful than any form of physical exertion.

Oh god I'm such a nerd.

Today

Woke up today on the right side of the bed for the first time in a long time. The sun was shining, the day was fresh, I felt so light-hearted and happy. Even though I missed my bus and had to spend ten bucks catching the airport flyer instead only to wait another fifteen minutes for the bus driver while he tinkered on his monitor and walkie-talkied his boss about how to sign into his shift, (huge breath) for some strange reason that still didn't ruin my day.

The feeling of talking to someone, gossiping and laughing after such a long drought of social interaction due to my unhealthy relationship with my bed (and occasionally cheating on it with my laptop), is amazing and so liberating. For strange some reason being back in Wellington just makes things so much more easier and straightforward. The things I was running away from last year seem silly. And for some strange, strange reason, today Wellington felt so much brighter and better than Auckland.

Plus I got my grades back! Well all but one (The one that I know I did worse in... but let's just ignore that for fear of spoiling this strange day). I got a pleasant surprise, I'm still suspecting it's a typo tbh, or, today's just a really, really good day. The results that came out only left me with one regret (because missing out on a grade by only 1% just seems much too unfair, I only needed to work that teed bit harder...), but other than that I've been so relieved and happy and carefree today, it makes me want to always feel this way.

NEXT YEAR EVERYDAY WILL BE LIKE TODAY :D FEEL HAPPY ALL THE DAYS!

Keep being happy! Go go! I can do it! Don't let things get me down, be brave, be strong and don't look back at the past, just concentrate on the future. Do it!

Lol even while typing these things already reality's sort of setting in, the blind euphoria's wearing off.

Dear Brain,

I'll deal with troubles and worries tomorrow, please please let today remain untainted, just this one little day.

Sincerely,
Heart

Treasures from the past

I was rummaging through my old files and folders from ages ago, and uncovered an old folder of stories.

Reading some of them scared me a little to be honest. Most of them were from when I was 13, and now, as a supposedly mature and independent 19 year-old who's working her way to a university degree (and upon graduation, a job), I feel not only overwhelmed by the passion of my 13 year-old self but also of my lost ambition; of my unwavering conviction of who I was and what I was going to do with my life. I didn't let what other people think deter what I thought. There was so much bravado in my writing. So much melodrama and over emphasise and cliches, yet it's sad to say that I had so much more rhythm in my writing compared to now.

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One day

One day, I will finish all my assignments early, like I always wanted to.

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I MISS DESIGN

I MISS IT I MISS IT I MISS IT

Today as I was doing these ridiculous maths questions in the first chapter of my $200 dollar maths text book that I'd bought for a one-semester-long maths paper, I thought to myself: "Why am I doing this?" Why? I never liked maths, never will, and it's definitely impossible for me to even begin to like the boring and unsatisfying multi-choice maths questions I have to do for this course.

WHY AM I NOT DOING DESGIN?

Sigh. Because this is the practical and successful and foolproof pathway through life. Comp sci will guarantee a good, relatively high paying job upon graduation. It requires me to take out no student loan as the three-year-degree fits nicely inside my three-year-scholarship. Upon graduation I work, I earn money, I do whatever the hell I want, get life experience, save up, travel, explore, live... then BAM I'm rich and happy and still in my ripe early 20s.

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Home

So I recently moved away from home to another city for university. I had been waiting for this change to happen for over a year. Waiting and yearning for it, for some sort of change and escape from the dull, monotonous and suffocating life I'd lived back home. I convinced myself to hate repetition, routine, familiarity, and instead to embrace change, excitement and unpredictability.

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