Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Timeline of Asian life

I think most asian kids out there living in a western country can relate when I say that our parents always pushed us to be extra-ordinary. Never just part of the crowd, another average joe. We had to excel, and dominate, be the glittering diamond amidst a pile of dull stones. Look at all the asians around you. How do you describe them? Hardout, that's how.

This is mostly stereotypical I guess, but it's also very true. The life-line (life timeline) of a stereotypical banana asian till adulthood is as follows:


1.5 years BB (before birth) Asian parents perilously escape their mother land and arrive on foreign dirt. They find a cheap dingy flat to live in while making little income from part time jobs that require little english.

9 months BB Eventually they gained enough money and experience to open up a little fish and chip/chinese takeaway shop. This will become the family business. Thus with a stable and steady income, they decide to conceive a child.

1.5 years AB (after birth) The asian kid is now one and a half years old. At this rate the parents are frantically teaching him/her as much english as possible, while at the same time still exposing him/her to his/her mother tongue. The child is expected to speak soon, thus indicating s/he is ready to be taught valuable asian skills such as english, playing the violin and badminton.

5 years AB The asian kid is sent to school and lessons for some form of musical instrument begin, usually either a) the violin or b) the piano.

7 years AB The asian kid is now exposed to some form of asian sport they can excel at in the future such as a) badminton, b) table tennis, c) basketball, d) Kungfu/Taekwondo/Karate or e) (very very rarely) swimming/football/other 'white' sport that asians usually fail at.

12 years AB At this age the parents will start to monitor the grades. A close eye is kept out for English (this must never fall too low in order for the child to attain a good job in this foreign country), Maths (looking for any signs of mathematical genius as this has a high occurrence rate amongst asians), Science (looking for signs of possible doctor/engineer material) and lastly Music/art (In the case where all other grades are crap, this may be exempted if the asian kid appears to be a musical or artistic prodigy)

16 years AB The asian kid is expected to have accomplished at least some notable achievements thus far in any field. Eg. Won a piano competition, received first place medals for chosen sport, had his/her artwork displayed in a prominent location of the school with a special mention, came in the country's top 2% for a mathematics/science competition, or the parents' favourite, received grades that were top in his/her year at least once, if not for several years consecutively.

18 years AB The asian kid must now get into a very respectable and good university. They must have also chosen their profession. The criteria for an asian profession are as follows:

1. It must sound respectable, prestigious and difficult to learn/master.
2. It must be high-paying.
3. In the case where it is not high-paying, provided it sounds difficult and prestigious enough and possibly also have the chance of fame and glory, it may be exempt from criteria #2. Eg. Concert pianist, artist, designer, youtube celebrity.

(However if after a period of 5-10 years the asian kid still has produced no national/international fame or satisfactory money, this profession can no longer be classified as a successful asian profession and instead will be downgraded to simply a failure.)

N/B: In the case where the asian kid fails to produce a satisfactory career path for themselves, all hope is not lost. They are still able to be given a final opportunity by taking over the family business, getting married, and producing a grandchild (preferably a boy, and preferably more than one in case the eldest becomes a failure). This grandchild will then be raised well and be expected to succeed where the original asian kid failed.


So next time you meet a young asian, whatever country you may be in, give them a pat on the back and a sincere "good luck". Cos now you know, they'll need it. Fosho.

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