Gain a little perspective

I don't understand how amazingly, astoundingly thick and insensitive some people can be. How can people have such low EQ? Are they just dumb? Perhaps. Are they just ignorant and too egotistical to realise that THEY have no right to put others down because the truth is they're not as "high up" or "great" as they think they are? They diss people, put others down because it gives themselves a sense of being superior, of having higher standards, it makes them feel like they can snob these lesser beings who are ugly/pathetic/unpopular.

Reality check. Mature the fuck up. This is directed at every single person who has ever looked at someone whom they have never talked to and said to their friends something along the lines of, "Ew, what the fuck what an ugly whore" / "Ew what's wrong with her face?" / "That's fucking hideous" / "Guess he could always paper bag that shit". Maybe you grew up being influenced by goddamn mob psychology, you and your friends think you're the most high-class walking shits of the fucking school, maybe you give in to peer pressure easily and you're a sheep who follows the cool and fucking badass crowd. Well, we're all adults now. Time to mature the fuck up and stop acting like you have the emotional range of a 5-year-old.

If you can feel sorry for yourself for getting dumped, getting cheated on, having no friends, getting shit grades, well then you can gain a little perspective and start feeling empathy for other human beings that deserve basic respect. Karma's a bitch and if something tragic and first world happened to you then boohoo go have a cry and make yourself feel like you've endured so much tragic hardship. But karma's a bitch so it's probably because you did something to deserve it in the first place. If you make stupid decisions and do things you know you shouldn't, it'll come back to bite you. Instead of being a little bitch about it, why don't you try change your outlook instead?

There are people who don't deserve respect. People who have done terrible, despicable things and don't regret them or feel remorse. But those people are rare. Most people? Most people are decent people,  decent human beings who deep down have their hearts in the right place. Who don't deserve the sort of judgement you're ready to pass upon them because they look different or they don't act to the norm or they're not as fucking precious looking as you, sorry about that Mr. face of a fucking god. Of course everyone judges people by their appearance, it's human. But there's a difference between formulating a first impression from an appearance to insulting this person you never even talked to properly based on their appearance to other people, spreading uncalled for negativity about them. About this person who's done nothing to you.

Why can't you see that sometimes one of those remarks of "ugly", if heard by the person it was meant for, could be the start of a negative though that could snowball into something terrible? Something like anorexia, something like depression, something like anxiety-disorder or self-harm or suicide. How is it possible for people to not be able to realise that?

How is it possible for these people, these thick-skinned people, to not realise that, to have never have thought about the consequences and emotional trauma that can be the result of their careless 'jokes', and yet still be shameless enough to hear a story like Amanda Todd's and say something completely hypocritical like "Oh I feel so guilty and sorry for her, it's sad that people can be so mean to drive a girl to suicide."

That's fucking precious.

It's like when KONY 2012 became viral, suddenly all these people who didn't give a single fuck, didn't know, didn't care, about any problems in undeveloped countries, any of the thousands of children dying every single minute, any of the much more cruel, inhumane and horrifying things happening all across the world every single day on a much larger scale, well suddenly all these people started to pretend they gave a fuck.

And why? Because it was viral. Because suddenly caring was viral and it made you feel part of the crowd. Mob psychology again.It made you feel like you should care because everyone else cares. And when the hype dies down, when it's forgotten, they go back to not knowing or caring. They go back to being naive and ignorant enough to swallow whatever bullshit the media and anyone with a youtube account wants them to swallow.

These people have no right to care. Because they lack the common sense, the EQ, the understanding of one basic trait humans should possess: of being able to put oneself in another's shoes, see things from their perspective - Treating others how you want to be treated. Is it really that hard? Are people these days so emotionally dead that they can't even try to perceive what it would feel like to be the person you just put down, the person you just insulted, joked about, bullied?

Like there are many more inhumane incidents out there that are larger and much more terrible than KONY, there are also hundreds, thousands, millions more bullying incidents out there happening every single day, that are much worse than what happened to Amanda Todd. People who are meant to be mature and educated enough to realise this but who didn't, need to gain a little perspective, spend time and raise their EQ, spend time to learn how to think before they speak and put themselves into other's shoes. Shed some of that fucking immaturity which allows them to think that a joke is always a joke no matter how far.

Why do I always like to see a lot of people as pretty? Because I genuinely believe so. Beauty is overrated, everyone has a form of beauty that people need to learn to see and appreciate. Everyone has redeeming qualities. Everyone has their own worth. Everyone deserves the common courtesy of respect from someone who don't know them well enough to have the right to judge them.

What is wrong with being nice? With spreading positivity and compliments instead of negativity and insults? Is it honestly that hard? What happened to seeing the best in people?

I don't care if my argument is flawed and I committed a dozen fallacies. I don't care if I swore too much and came across as crass and hypocritical. I genuinely believe in everything I've said thus far. It makes me so angry and furious that so many of my friends fall under the category of those insensitive and emotionally immature people I described above. It makes me so, so angry and furious that young people these days can be so close minded and caught up in their own little pathetic dramas and problems.

Maybe I'm too righteous. Maybe I'm too idealistic and naive as well.

But whoever's reading this. Get off your high horse and put your feet on the ground. Do something. Do something.

Is it honestly that hard?

I miss this blog

I miss the things I used to write on here, the way I used to write on here. My past self seemed so fluent at writing down detail for detail and metaphor for metaphor my inner stream of consciousnesses. How was I so good at dictating my internal monologue into something so comprehensible? Now when I try to write down all these interlinking ideas and thoughts I sometimes have about life, about the past and the future and just people in general, it just doesn't seem to sound right. It just doesn't flow like before.

I miss those late nights spent over one long blog entry where I had to perfectly convey this realisation that'd just dawned on me. Towards the early hours of the morning I'd reach an epiphany of sorts and at that point I'd have to pause, look up and think, "Ohh woooww. That really makes sense now. Shit I'VE GOT TO WRITE THIS DOWN BEFORE I LOSE IT."

Even this post lacks the type of tone or feel I used to have. But I guess "everything changes but nothing is ever truly lost". It'll come back one day.

Pissed off

Why the hell did I ever cry for you? Shed tears for you?
Why the hell did I ever compromise myself for you?
Why the hell did I ever keep on chasing after you after you hurt me so bad, so much, so deep?
Why the hell did I ever sacrifice myself for you, my future for you, my friends for you-

Why the hell was I ready to go where ever you lead me, where ever you told me to go, where ever you said that I should go?

Why the hell did I diminish myself like that for you-
why did I change for you to meet your shallow expectations?
why did I become dumber for you because you could'n't keep up with me?
why the hell did I have to mould myself to meet your ends only for you to be
ashamed of me?
embarrassed of me?

Why the hell did I swallow my pride like that to chase after you,
to let people look down on me,
to have people look down on me after all that time because of your stupid pride,
because people think you're the victim,
I'm the vixen,
I have no shame, no face
whereas you get to keep all your goddamn pride.

When I was crying on the streets I was embarrassing you

When I got angry I was letting down us

I was always the problem
my tempers
my inabilities
there was just something wrong with me,
not you,
never you god forbid.
Why the hell did I force myself to do so many things for you
Why the hell did I give up so much of myself for you
Why was I stupid enough to disgrace myself like that?

I will not change for anyone.
I will not dull down my shine for your ego.
I will not let you feel superior and above me if you're not.

I will do what I want to do
Dress how I want to dress.
Talk the way I want to talk.
Like what I want to like.
I will not give up my friendships for your insecurities.

And now I will become a better me.
A smarter me.
A more vibrant and amazing me who will radiate with happiness and life and vivaciousness.
A me who when you meet will make you regret not treasuring me from the beginning.

If you treasured me from the beginning then maybe things would've been different.

If I didn't have to work so hard from the beginning, if I didn't have to be the person who sacrificed so much from the beginnning,
maybe towards the end I wouldn't've felt the way I did.
Indignant.
Furious.
Cold.
And when I looked at you,
emotionless.

You were always the one calling the shots.

Well I'm glad at the end I got to call the shot.
You finally got a taste of what it's like to be on the shitty end of a one-sided relationship.
You finally got a taste of what I had suffered.

And I'm glad all this has happened.

Because it's taught me that I will never ever dull myself down for anyone else again.

Respect

If you want respect, you should earn it.

People respect other people because they're worth respecting. Because they have this redeeming quality about them that's admirable.

Respect is earned through showing decency of character, strength of will, selflessness.

Respect is earned through the hard work you put into the things that count and the way you treat and respect other people.

Respect is not earned from aesthetics. From looking good. from being pretty or attractive.

Respect is not earned from sacrifices or acts of generosity that ultimately benefits yourself.

Respect is not earned from thinking people should respect you.

You can't demand respect from someone.

You have to earn it.

You have to show the world you've earned it.

No one should respect you, no one owes you any respect if you haven't earned it.


And if you have, if you've truly earned that respect.

Well then you needn't ever ask.

Sometimes change just creeps up on you

So I haven't been blogging much at all these few months. I'm not sure why but words just don't come to me anymore. Maybe because these past few months have just felt like one giant, exhilarating, and sometimes scary emotional roller coaster. More often than not, I've felt that each day that passes have to be filled with something exciting or indulging or impromptu or grand, or just something that makes me happy with the preoccupation. Because of this, time seems to be flying, I seem to be barely holding on to my old self anymore, my fingertips are slipping day by day and one day soon, I feel like I'm going to lose my grasp and fall into the abyss of someone else's life. Someone else's simple, straightforward life filled with simple and materialistic joys, filled with fun and friends and simple happiness, but devoid of my late night philosophical musings; of those moments when I just sit and question things - when I just sit and write whatever's flowing through my head; when I just lie in bed staring at the night sky, contemplating the future, the past, the meaning of something deep.

But change is inevitable, and for me especially I mold to the people around me so easily. It's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact I'm happy. These past few months may have been a big blur, but a big happy blur with a few ups and downs and a few tiny small moments of heartache where I felt like tearing my head off and use it to smash a hole in the wall. But other than that, it's been good. I've been good. And you know what? I have faith that the old me will manage to hold on and come with me for the reset of the ride through 2012.

I think one of the biggest goals I should be trying to achieve is to make myself stop being so damn scared of everything. I'm getting there little by little, but I want to be fearless. I want to be confident and unintimidated, to charge through life unafraid of taking opportunities thrown my way, unafraid to go out there and snatch myself some opportunities if they don't come to me, and most importantly unafraid to make things happen, to say yes, to be happy, to stay happy, to live with no regret, no fear, and even no hate.

I want to be one of those people that can make other people happy, that can tease a laugh or a smile out of someone and make their day that little bit better and brighter and lighter.

For now, find me here:
http://lovesongsandrainynights.blogspot.com

(Not to say I won't be back here, I might. Just waiting for the words to come back to me)

Look at that tiny house peaking through the light

The sun's setting gold. There's a tiny ferry tutting across the harbour water, leaving a trail of white. I can see North Head illuminated, glowing because of the sunset. Rangitoto looms in the background like a guard. There are sails and cranes and buildings and people, and in the far far distance, little houses peeking through the light.

The sky's this indescribable colour of grey and blue and cyan and mauve, tinted with a blush of that fading brown. Like the whole world's awash with some nostalgic sepia. I can't help staring at that tiny boat sail back and forth, back and forth. There's someone standing at the balcony window opposite. There's someone walking along the road outside. All these things. All these people. This is the world. This is what being alive feels like. Friendships can break, love can fail, family can leave and people can pass away, but what will never disappear, are the clouds that drift past your patch of sky everyday. The sea that sparkles under the setting sun. The people that keep on walking, the boats that keep on sailing, no matter how you're feeling today; no matter what problems you're facing.

The world will keep on spinning without you, and that's the excruciating beauty of it. The grandness. Your insignificance. How tall the heavens are above you, how deep the earth stretches below you, and then there's just little, unremarkable you. Born into this world maybe by accident, maybe by chance, but definitely not by fate. Think about it. What are the possibilities of you, this exact person, existing in this world? From birth till now, every decision, every choice and every split creating infinite possible futures, pasts, and people with the same name and same parents and same history as you, but are not you.

And yet, here you sit. This precise and irreplaceable version of you that exists nowhere else in time and space. You're allowed to sit and observe the world from your own little corner. Watch the clouds darken. The sun disappear. The lights of thousands of other homes flicker on. The clatter of plates, the occasional bale of laughter. All on a backdrop of stillness. Silence. A serene, serene night, and a low mumble of of the city as it finally settles down.

A tiny flag billowing in the wind; the tap-tap of my fingers on the keyboard. And the thing that makes it all so real, a cool breeze whispering across my cheek; on it I can smell the ocean and taste the salt; hear the laughter and feel the calm of the whole city.

Like in a dream. Such a beautiful, vivid dream filled with details you could spend your whole life observing and pursuing and still never reach the end. Wouldn't it be sad to wake up from such a dream? Wouldn't it be a terrible, terrifying shame if you never got to find out where that little boat went, what it'd be like to live in a little house peaking through the setting light, how the sky would look if you were flying through it separated by only a window?

If reality is only a dream, if life is only a passing gift that we've landed ourselves with by an impossible chance, then why not make the most out of it? What else is there? Incomprehensible nothingness and otherness. We only know this life. What do feelings and problems matter on the grand scale of things? Just look at the world. It's yours to explore, to see and smell and do. Why would you ever want to waste even a second of your life on unimportant feelings and other insignificant people?

Why would you ever want to end this wonderful dream early?

Speed of Life (see what I did there)

It's scary how fast life goes by these days. a day in a blink of an eye, a week in two. A year sometimes feels like you went to sleep on the 31st of December, only to wake up on the 31st of December a year later with the vague recollections of a very vivid dream.

I recently watched a video on Youtube explaining the whole "life is like a roll of toilet paper - it gets faster as you get nearer towards the end" quote. New experiences are always so vivid in our memory. The "firsts" of our lives happened in our childhood, making everyday when you were a kid seem like a journey, the littlest things traumatic, the tiniest surprises making you estatic.

But when we start to grow up, "firsts" become rare. There's not many firsts left for us to do. Or, more often than not, we choose not to take anymore "firsts". Because living inside your comfort zone is so damn comfortable right? Taking risks is.. well risky (brilliant vocab I have today), and being safe will guarantee contentment.

But contentment isn't happiness.. it's not that true, exhilarating happiness you experience in those brief and precious moments of your life. Why do people strive to be happy? Because it feels good I guess. But see, feeling good doesn't feel good if you feel good all the time (I can't help that my brain is coming up with such amazing synonyms). Happiness can only be truly appreciated if you've experienced hardship and stress and sadness and anger on the road to happiness.

Life is short because time flies. Time flies because what is time? It's all in your head. A set of mutual memories shared between a few people. Our brain records these memories and learns from them. If you don't do anything knew, the brain doesn't have to do much work to process what's just happened. That memory will just drift away and be lost among a whole swamp of murky happenings. Only your firsts remain vivid inside your head. They're milestones of your life, right?

To make time fly, easy. Do the same thing every single day. Soon it'll be almost robotic. You'll wake up to find yourself at work, not remembering how you got dressed, brushed your teeth and walked in a daze to the office. But it must have happened because here you are, exactly where you've been everyday at this time. Are you happy? No. But are you sad? No, you're not sad either. You're content.

But to make time slow down? To remember the vivid recollection that was last night, the exhilarating rush of adrenaline that was last night, the uncontrollable smile of true happiness that's the result of last night; well that's a bit harder. How can you constantly keep yourself on your toes? Doing new things, taking more "firsts" and creating more "lasts", making life feel longer and richer and fuller and grander...

Oh man I'm so hungry..

I need to

1. Stop buying things / spending money / buying things for the sake of spending money

2. Stop spending money just because I can / just because there's no one to stop me / just because if I was a Sim in Sims Social my 'social' and 'fun' meter would glowing red with an unimpressed and highly disapproving frowny smiley face next to it

3. Stop raging at that real estate guy (if he replies - if not then continue to slander him with obscenities)

4. Stop thinking about food (ideally the allocation of brain functionality between thinking about food vs.other should be at a ratio of 1:9 respectively. The current ratio of 8:2 is dangerously high and poses a threat to mental health / well being / ability to function normally

5. Stop writing this pointless and extremely unrealistic list because if I don't sleep within the next 45 minutes I'm going to end up as one of those Sims who scares away all their friends by accidentally-on-purpose insulting them due to PMS and a lack of sleep (also since I didn't have time to shower I'm going to smell real bad and have a posy of those virtual Sim flies buzzing around my bum)

So I want to talk about China

I've been too lazy to blog recently. Plus since I got back from China life has been so monotonous and repetitive and materialistic and lazy and safe and devoid of emotional turmoil/philosophical enlightenment, that 3 weeks have merged into one giant long day of haziness. And most importantly, since I feel so useless these days, I wanted to make sure I'd blog about something important. Something meaningful and provocative and good. Today I was feeling reminiscent of China, and I think I found something.

When you walk into a new country, sometimes it's like nothing has changed. Sometimes it's like everything is different. The ground you tread on is a dirt road, the sky above you is a murky grey, the air around you is crisp and stale at the same time, woven together with a tinge of sickly sweet. The 'sickly sweet' is a result of the mid-afternoon sun beating relentlessly on those few unfortunate mandarins that have fallen off from their branch a little early.

That was one of the most valuable experiences I gained on this trip around China. The feeling of bicycling down a country lane past fields of green, acres of not-yet-ripe mandarin trees, and an endless expanse of untainted silence - occasionally harmonised with a few bird calls, the 'ring-ring!' of another bicycle bell, or a steady tutting sound fading off into the distance as a scooter makes its way home.

Of course, it isn't a lost paradise. Even amongst the pandora-like mountains of Guilin, where the scenery along the Li Jiang river is so insanely beautiful it becomes surreal and my eyes at first refused to accept what it was really seeing, there are ordinary locals going about their harsh daily routine to make a living: Sons born along the river spend everyday rowing gondolas for money. Women wash clothes on the banks. The grandpas sit quietly inside century-old stone cottages, feeding chickens, cows and fish eagles. The grandmas sit outside with giant bowls of silk worms, spending the whole day peeling off silk to sell. The little kids run around the streets, playing with sticks, chasing chickens and drawing shapes into the dirt.

Older kids have already left for school in a nearby town. When we asked a little boy for directions, he opened his mouth and told us in a mature and serious voice. He then turned around and carried on playing with his friends and some empty fruit shells on the ground.

People in beautiful places like this don't get to experience the beauty. One of the gondola rowers told me, the locals born into this place often curse the beautiful mountains for existing. They're too steep to climb, too much stone to grow crops on, too stubborn and dense to take down. The only thing they're good for is to look at. So the whole city of Guilin, all the surrounding towns and villages dotted around its many rivers, thrive on the flocks of tourists, laden with cash and LV bags and iPhones, to provide them enough money to send their kid to school so that they can grow up not slaving over manual labour for a living.

My dad said to the gondola driver, "You're very lucky, this place is very beautiful. To be able to wake up and see a scenery like this everyday, you're very lucky."

The gondola driver replied: "Lucky? We don't call this lucky. We think people like you are lucky, people with enough money to travel, to see places, to eat whatever you want to eat and go where ever you want to go."

And my mum said to me, "Look at this place. Look at how the people live here. What if you'd been born here? What if you had to grow up feeding chickens and growing crops, toiling day after day and never given the opportunity to leave or to be better. Isn't it unfair how people are born into different places? Some people are born here, where little kids start working as soon as they understand how; some people are born into a rich house with rich food and never know the true meaning of 'work' or 'labour'."

Isn't it unfair? Isn't it unfair that there even exists on this planet, people who are so fat that they are at risk of dying if they get any fatter? These people whose gluttony knows no boundaries, whose government feeds them, and when they're about to die, gives them an operation worth tens of thousands to save their pitiful life so they can keep on sitting and eating.

Compare them to the old grandmas who peel silk all day to sell; to the old grandmas who walk around the streets picking up plastic bottles and adding them to the big bag over one shoulder; to the old grandmas that swarm around tourist vans gently begging you to buy a flower wreath they weaved themselves for just 2RMB, their eyes filled with sincere pleading.

I know that there are millions, if not billions all over the world living in such undeveloped places, living in the past, living where such ordinary things to us are treated as luxuries by them. I also know that often, the financial situation of families can be so dire that they resort ro petty and cruel ways of making money, getting little kids to beg to invoke sympathy, even mutilating their own child so that they can horrify more people into opening their wallets.

But seeing these people and these places with your own eyes is very different to knowing. The faces of old people pleading me to buy their hand made flowers remind me of my grandma. It reminds me that they're probably a grandma to some kid, and unlike me, that kid might depend on his grandma's many 2RMBs to be able to eat something yummy tonight for dinner or to be able to get a new school bag. Even if these people are knowingly taking advantage of your pity, even if they're tricking you to pay more, ripping you off, even if there are far too many of them for you to be able to help, the truth remains that they need your 2RMB much more than you do.

The most painful truth about all this is that really, there's nothing that can be done to change the lives of these people. At least, nothing immediate, nothing on a scale smaller than a revolution, nothing that can be achieved without ensuing more damage or suffering first. The fact is that China, like India, just has so many people. So. Many. People. How is it possible to ensure all of them can live a decent life? You can't. China's huge. Massive. Compare it to New Zealand, this small, minuscule country with a history of around a hundred years, versus China, the Middle Kingdom that began developing over 5000 years ago, the economy, the culture, the language, the way of living, all thousands of years old. How do you change a way of thinking and a way of living so ancient, so ingrained into everyone there?

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. All I want is for those old grandmas out everyday begging tourists to buy their hand-made things to be able to live a life where they don't have to.

***

Li Jiang River, mountains of Guilin (image edited using iphone)

View from within an alley in a small village tucked away on the river bank

My dad's gondola raft rowing past a patch of houses along Yu Long river

View from my raft down Yu Long river. Surreal beauty. So tranquil. Water so clear and still, it's amazing.

Old grandmas peeling a sort of vegetable by hand in a village

Mother gives her child a ride while doing work

Someone's door

Letting hand made noodles dry in the sun

Three person journey.