Pissed off

Why the hell did I ever cry for you? Shed tears for you?
Why the hell did I ever compromise myself for you?
Why the hell did I ever keep on chasing after you after you hurt me so bad, so much, so deep?
Why the hell did I ever sacrifice myself for you, my future for you, my friends for you-

Why the hell was I ready to go where ever you lead me, where ever you told me to go, where ever you said that I should go?

Why the hell did I diminish myself like that for you-
why did I change for you to meet your shallow expectations?
why did I become dumber for you because you could'n't keep up with me?
why the hell did I have to mould myself to meet your ends only for you to be
ashamed of me?
embarrassed of me?

Why the hell did I swallow my pride like that to chase after you,
to let people look down on me,
to have people look down on me after all that time because of your stupid pride,
because people think you're the victim,
I'm the vixen,
I have no shame, no face
whereas you get to keep all your goddamn pride.

When I was crying on the streets I was embarrassing you

When I got angry I was letting down us

I was always the problem
my tempers
my inabilities
there was just something wrong with me,
not you,
never you god forbid.
Why the hell did I force myself to do so many things for you
Why the hell did I give up so much of myself for you
Why was I stupid enough to disgrace myself like that?

I will not change for anyone.
I will not dull down my shine for your ego.
I will not let you feel superior and above me if you're not.

I will do what I want to do
Dress how I want to dress.
Talk the way I want to talk.
Like what I want to like.
I will not give up my friendships for your insecurities.

And now I will become a better me.
A smarter me.
A more vibrant and amazing me who will radiate with happiness and life and vivaciousness.
A me who when you meet will make you regret not treasuring me from the beginning.

If you treasured me from the beginning then maybe things would've been different.

If I didn't have to work so hard from the beginning, if I didn't have to be the person who sacrificed so much from the beginnning,
maybe towards the end I wouldn't've felt the way I did.
Indignant.
Furious.
Cold.
And when I looked at you,
emotionless.

You were always the one calling the shots.

Well I'm glad at the end I got to call the shot.
You finally got a taste of what it's like to be on the shitty end of a one-sided relationship.
You finally got a taste of what I had suffered.

And I'm glad all this has happened.

Because it's taught me that I will never ever dull myself down for anyone else again.

Respect

If you want respect, you should earn it.

People respect other people because they're worth respecting. Because they have this redeeming quality about them that's admirable.

Respect is earned through showing decency of character, strength of will, selflessness.

Respect is earned through the hard work you put into the things that count and the way you treat and respect other people.

Respect is not earned from aesthetics. From looking good. from being pretty or attractive.

Respect is not earned from sacrifices or acts of generosity that ultimately benefits yourself.

Respect is not earned from thinking people should respect you.

You can't demand respect from someone.

You have to earn it.

You have to show the world you've earned it.

No one should respect you, no one owes you any respect if you haven't earned it.


And if you have, if you've truly earned that respect.

Well then you needn't ever ask.

Sometimes change just creeps up on you

So I haven't been blogging much at all these few months. I'm not sure why but words just don't come to me anymore. Maybe because these past few months have just felt like one giant, exhilarating, and sometimes scary emotional roller coaster. More often than not, I've felt that each day that passes have to be filled with something exciting or indulging or impromptu or grand, or just something that makes me happy with the preoccupation. Because of this, time seems to be flying, I seem to be barely holding on to my old self anymore, my fingertips are slipping day by day and one day soon, I feel like I'm going to lose my grasp and fall into the abyss of someone else's life. Someone else's simple, straightforward life filled with simple and materialistic joys, filled with fun and friends and simple happiness, but devoid of my late night philosophical musings; of those moments when I just sit and question things - when I just sit and write whatever's flowing through my head; when I just lie in bed staring at the night sky, contemplating the future, the past, the meaning of something deep.

But change is inevitable, and for me especially I mold to the people around me so easily. It's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact I'm happy. These past few months may have been a big blur, but a big happy blur with a few ups and downs and a few tiny small moments of heartache where I felt like tearing my head off and use it to smash a hole in the wall. But other than that, it's been good. I've been good. And you know what? I have faith that the old me will manage to hold on and come with me for the reset of the ride through 2012.

I think one of the biggest goals I should be trying to achieve is to make myself stop being so damn scared of everything. I'm getting there little by little, but I want to be fearless. I want to be confident and unintimidated, to charge through life unafraid of taking opportunities thrown my way, unafraid to go out there and snatch myself some opportunities if they don't come to me, and most importantly unafraid to make things happen, to say yes, to be happy, to stay happy, to live with no regret, no fear, and even no hate.

I want to be one of those people that can make other people happy, that can tease a laugh or a smile out of someone and make their day that little bit better and brighter and lighter.

For now, find me here:
http://lovesongsandrainynights.blogspot.com

(Not to say I won't be back here, I might. Just waiting for the words to come back to me)