Hold on to your sanity

Lately I've realised that deep down, everyone's really screwed in the head in some way. Inside every single person lies a pool of insecurities they hide from the world. But the thing is, some people deal with it fine right?

There are some people who are like these strong fearless beasts, able to hold their head up high and proudly stalk through a sea of onlookers without even so much as blinking an eye over what other people might think of them.

But then, there are also those people who only pretend to act fearless, pretend to hold their head up and not care about such things when really deep down, it's slowly gnawing away at their conscience and sanity and eating them up. It takes away their confidence. Happiness. Reason.

I know a girl who's of the first type. She seems to let nothing deter her. I envy people like that honestly. She's someone who has the strength and confidence to break up with her boyfriend of over a year, not because he wasn't good enough for her or because she didn't love him enough, but simply because she wanted to be single. And even though after, a lot of other decent guys who she'd become close with preceded to woo and chase her, she didn't consider them. She stayed so true to what she wanted and what she knew she had to do. So many girls these days are submerged in desperation for happiness in their life that they don't have the courage to let go or reject, in fear of being alone and one step further from achieving said happiness.

And I can say without hesitation that I'm of the second type of people. The ones who only try to pretend to be fearless and strong, and often fail. Lately, it's been so hard sometimes to continue keeping my head up in the air. There are those moments when I really want to let my pride fall and to just sort of go,

"Hey, hey world, I know I'm one tiny insignificant part of everything here and really I don't mean to be an attention seeker but I've tried so hard to bottle it in all this time so can I please please please let it all out and have a big fat cry today for once?"

I don't know what triggered this onslaught of near depression-like state of mind, and I have no idea why it's happening now when everything should be all breezy and amazing and wonderfully spectacular. I guess it must've started out small, this tiny ball of doubt snuggling into the back of my head and feeling quite comfortable there, when one day someone accidentally called its name and now it's rearing its ugly, sad, sad head more and more because it knows that it just can't go back to blissful snuggling anymore.

I don't know. Maybe I was too naive or selfish to see it before. But now I'm constantly wondering and worrying. Did I come off too strong there? Was that comment really mean? Would they have taken it the wrong way? Am I talking about myself too much? Are people getting sick of me, annoyed of me? What can I do to make her feel better, am I just making it worse by being insensitive? It seems like now, every single word that comes out of my mouth has to go through a strict inspection process. If it poses any potential harm to me or others, it gets held back and swallowed up to remain unsaid in the pit of my stomach, never to see daylight ever again.

Because of all this, awkwardness seems to have crept into my daily routine. The worst thing is that I'm not brave enough to face it. I just want to run away and hide under my duvets. I'm so worried about trying to hold my head up in the air and pretend to be confident that it's chased all real confidence away. I don't want to be like this so I shouldn't say this, yet I want to be like that so I should say that. I've been so wrapped up in trying change who I am to a better person that I can't even remember who I was before all this. I've forgotten what it was like to be myself.

I wish there was a magic pill that just gives you an instant confidence boost. Actually that sounds like a good dose of felix felicis. And I guess everything boils down to a fear that developed early on in the year when I first moved here. The fear that I'm screwing everything up in my new life big time. That, because of my own incompetence the expectations of this year being the best, most amazing and mind blowing year of my life so far, will never become reality. I also fear that I'm causing other people unhappiness. That my mood swings are dragging them down.

But I've realised now that yeah, it's all in the head. Due to my negative thinking everything feels awful when really it shouldn't. Really, I could be having the time of my life. If only I have the courage crawl out of my dank, dark pit of despair and take a good look around at everything out in the open, I'd see that it's not so bad. Because,

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have"



J