In the midst of procrastination I accidentally stumbled upon an old chain of emails between me and my best friend from high school. Gmail is really cruel. Recently I read a ThoughtCatalog about Gmail and the (often) terrible memories it keeps for you. When I switched to Gmail everything from my old hotmail account got transferred over. 8 years of email exchanges, social media notifications. From the days when I was web designing and was pen pals with other little webmistresses across the world, to the days when I spammed my friends with ridiculous chain mails. To the days in high school, where we all hung out in the Art Block, met at the library or the mall after school, when we had nicknames for our crushes and it was such a big deal. When we used to be sheltered little girls worrying about silly little things, but it was so innocent and nice and safe.
I have a confession that shouldn't come as a surprise: I suck at keeping friends. In fact, sometimes I really don't want to keep friends. Growing up as an only child, I grew up learning to be alone. I was always myself's best friend, and even when I made best friends, they were always other only children. Our minds really connected, but it always felt like something detrimental was missing.
I grew up with the attitude of hating people who were sheep. I always wanted to be different. I hated what other people liked. I liked to be the loner. Rather be a loner than a sheep. Always. Rather be by myself than lower my pride. Always. No one taught me otherwise. No one told me otherwise.
I'm also the type of person where, if you push me away, then I won't be able to forgo my pride to chase after you. Never. I'll only push you away further myself. If you don't care about me as much as I truly care about you, I would rather pretend I don't care than admit the truth. Always.
That's why I'm really a shitty keeper of friendships. I have too much pride, and I was born a loner. I mean, naively I'd like to believe that friendship is powerful enough to overcome differences, overcome petty disputes and unspoken words of jealousy. I'd like to believe that some of the friendships I've established are those that transcend time or effort. No matter how long or how distant the separation, the old flame can always rekindle. But who am I kidding? Recently I've come to believe that you only ever have yourself to rely on. Friendship is not strong enough to rely on. Neither is love from anyone who's not family. People are fickle and everyone has a pretense. They only do what they know they "should" do as a "friend". Isn't that what I used to do as a kid? I learnt from peers, from TV shows and story books that this is "how to be a friend". This is what is socially acceptable. But in reality, everyone puts themselves first. And you should. Who else will look out for you but yourself?
I know that's a cynical way of looking at people. Some people aren't like that. Some people are straightforward and innocent. They don't need a pretense, they are who they are. They're simple. But I can't help but see the world in any other way anymore, no matter how hard I try to rescue my naive and romantic self from the grasp of bitter reality.
I'm not a person who wants many friends. I can't keep up with many friends. For me, it's too tiring. Talking to people who I don't truly want to be with, who I don't know well, is tiring. All I need is a few close friends that feel like family. But for some reason, after I moved up to Auckland by myself, I got swept away by influence. By peer pressure. I felt the need to be happy in a way that I never desired before. I felt the need to make the most of this opportunity and make lots of new friends, start a new life. But it's not who I truly am. And the more I forced myself the unhappier I became, because it was all so tiring. I thought there was something wrong with me, someone I loved and trusted told me there was something wrong with me. But there isn't. I'm just different. I'm just me.
Reading those emails I sent to my best friend in high school, I wish I could have that back. That sort of safety when I had a small group of close friends and we supported each other throughout the simple ups and downs of school life. But then I remember that I've changed so much now that I wonder if we can ever be on the same page again.
I've met a lot of new people after leaving high school too. And of course I've tried. I've tried really, really hard. I put in all my effort into interacting with people to build new friendships. Because I was pressured into realising that you can't go through life being a loner. Humans are social creatures. No matter how much I didn't enjoy joining in the main crowd and casting my pride aside, I had to. To be successful meant partially, to be socially accepted and welcomed. So I tried really hard. I found people I liked and people I enjoyed surrounding myself with. I got brave enough to end something because I didn't love someone anymore, because it was wrong to keep on holding on for fear of being alone with no rock to depend on. I found people I genuinely believed were my friends. And I genuinely started believing that people are as simple as that.
But you know what I realised? Very few people are interested in you, unless you're interesting. Unless you persist, unless you're connected to someone interesting. So I changed to be different, strived to be less demure. And I like to believe that I really did build some solid friendships.
But, living alone has its perils. Especially for someone like me, who's naturally a loner. It makes you bitter a lot. It makes you want to be stronger and appear more independent, because you're afraid that deep down no one truly cares about you. That all these friendships are built upon fun and partying and pretense, who would truly be there if you need them to be? My family never seemed so far away. I tried to fill in that gaping hole with partying, with romance. But both never seem to stay long, and now I'm even more scared to genuinely open my trust and heart to other people.
It's funny that as a kid, I always craved physical and emotional independence from my family. Yet now, I've never wanted that emotional dependence more. Just to know that at least, my parents truly and genuinely care about me.
I wish that I'd done a better job at preserving the friendships I forged in the past. The ones who I slowly drifted out of sync, out of contact with. The ones I couldn't give up my pride for. The ones who were true friends, but I was too busy trying to change myself in a way I believed was good for me, to realise what I was losing.
I'm writing this because I'm suddenly filled with so much regret of things I could've done better. I know that by other people's standards, this isn't a big deal. Whatever. But I grew up with strong morals. I always felt like I have to be a person that I myself would respect. I don't really like the person I'm starting to become recently. But, this doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I have a future to look forward to. I'm also optimistic about the possibilities. Possibilities always cheer me up, and hopefully that ambition will lead me somewhere better. I think that me and Auckland just don't understand each other very well. We're not the same type of people. I'd like to hope that me and Melbourne are more compatible, that over there, I can stop feeling like I'm living in some sort of cage of forever interlinking connections and meaningless interactions.
I'm hopeful of the life that I could live. And although I have to once again force myself to be someone I'm not, to be what society deems to be a character worthy of success, maybe this time I force myself to change, it'll be one step closer to the simple happiness I want.
I have a confession that shouldn't come as a surprise: I suck at keeping friends. In fact, sometimes I really don't want to keep friends. Growing up as an only child, I grew up learning to be alone. I was always myself's best friend, and even when I made best friends, they were always other only children. Our minds really connected, but it always felt like something detrimental was missing.
I grew up with the attitude of hating people who were sheep. I always wanted to be different. I hated what other people liked. I liked to be the loner. Rather be a loner than a sheep. Always. Rather be by myself than lower my pride. Always. No one taught me otherwise. No one told me otherwise.
I'm also the type of person where, if you push me away, then I won't be able to forgo my pride to chase after you. Never. I'll only push you away further myself. If you don't care about me as much as I truly care about you, I would rather pretend I don't care than admit the truth. Always.
That's why I'm really a shitty keeper of friendships. I have too much pride, and I was born a loner. I mean, naively I'd like to believe that friendship is powerful enough to overcome differences, overcome petty disputes and unspoken words of jealousy. I'd like to believe that some of the friendships I've established are those that transcend time or effort. No matter how long or how distant the separation, the old flame can always rekindle. But who am I kidding? Recently I've come to believe that you only ever have yourself to rely on. Friendship is not strong enough to rely on. Neither is love from anyone who's not family. People are fickle and everyone has a pretense. They only do what they know they "should" do as a "friend". Isn't that what I used to do as a kid? I learnt from peers, from TV shows and story books that this is "how to be a friend". This is what is socially acceptable. But in reality, everyone puts themselves first. And you should. Who else will look out for you but yourself?
I know that's a cynical way of looking at people. Some people aren't like that. Some people are straightforward and innocent. They don't need a pretense, they are who they are. They're simple. But I can't help but see the world in any other way anymore, no matter how hard I try to rescue my naive and romantic self from the grasp of bitter reality.
I'm not a person who wants many friends. I can't keep up with many friends. For me, it's too tiring. Talking to people who I don't truly want to be with, who I don't know well, is tiring. All I need is a few close friends that feel like family. But for some reason, after I moved up to Auckland by myself, I got swept away by influence. By peer pressure. I felt the need to be happy in a way that I never desired before. I felt the need to make the most of this opportunity and make lots of new friends, start a new life. But it's not who I truly am. And the more I forced myself the unhappier I became, because it was all so tiring. I thought there was something wrong with me, someone I loved and trusted told me there was something wrong with me. But there isn't. I'm just different. I'm just me.
Reading those emails I sent to my best friend in high school, I wish I could have that back. That sort of safety when I had a small group of close friends and we supported each other throughout the simple ups and downs of school life. But then I remember that I've changed so much now that I wonder if we can ever be on the same page again.
I've met a lot of new people after leaving high school too. And of course I've tried. I've tried really, really hard. I put in all my effort into interacting with people to build new friendships. Because I was pressured into realising that you can't go through life being a loner. Humans are social creatures. No matter how much I didn't enjoy joining in the main crowd and casting my pride aside, I had to. To be successful meant partially, to be socially accepted and welcomed. So I tried really hard. I found people I liked and people I enjoyed surrounding myself with. I got brave enough to end something because I didn't love someone anymore, because it was wrong to keep on holding on for fear of being alone with no rock to depend on. I found people I genuinely believed were my friends. And I genuinely started believing that people are as simple as that.
But you know what I realised? Very few people are interested in you, unless you're interesting. Unless you persist, unless you're connected to someone interesting. So I changed to be different, strived to be less demure. And I like to believe that I really did build some solid friendships.
But, living alone has its perils. Especially for someone like me, who's naturally a loner. It makes you bitter a lot. It makes you want to be stronger and appear more independent, because you're afraid that deep down no one truly cares about you. That all these friendships are built upon fun and partying and pretense, who would truly be there if you need them to be? My family never seemed so far away. I tried to fill in that gaping hole with partying, with romance. But both never seem to stay long, and now I'm even more scared to genuinely open my trust and heart to other people.
It's funny that as a kid, I always craved physical and emotional independence from my family. Yet now, I've never wanted that emotional dependence more. Just to know that at least, my parents truly and genuinely care about me.
I wish that I'd done a better job at preserving the friendships I forged in the past. The ones who I slowly drifted out of sync, out of contact with. The ones I couldn't give up my pride for. The ones who were true friends, but I was too busy trying to change myself in a way I believed was good for me, to realise what I was losing.
I'm writing this because I'm suddenly filled with so much regret of things I could've done better. I know that by other people's standards, this isn't a big deal. Whatever. But I grew up with strong morals. I always felt like I have to be a person that I myself would respect. I don't really like the person I'm starting to become recently. But, this doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I have a future to look forward to. I'm also optimistic about the possibilities. Possibilities always cheer me up, and hopefully that ambition will lead me somewhere better. I think that me and Auckland just don't understand each other very well. We're not the same type of people. I'd like to hope that me and Melbourne are more compatible, that over there, I can stop feeling like I'm living in some sort of cage of forever interlinking connections and meaningless interactions.
I'm hopeful of the life that I could live. And although I have to once again force myself to be someone I'm not, to be what society deems to be a character worthy of success, maybe this time I force myself to change, it'll be one step closer to the simple happiness I want.
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