Sometimes change just creeps up on you

So I haven't been blogging much at all these few months. I'm not sure why but words just don't come to me anymore. Maybe because these past few months have just felt like one giant, exhilarating, and sometimes scary emotional roller coaster. More often than not, I've felt that each day that passes have to be filled with something exciting or indulging or impromptu or grand, or just something that makes me happy with the preoccupation. Because of this, time seems to be flying, I seem to be barely holding on to my old self anymore, my fingertips are slipping day by day and one day soon, I feel like I'm going to lose my grasp and fall into the abyss of someone else's life. Someone else's simple, straightforward life filled with simple and materialistic joys, filled with fun and friends and simple happiness, but devoid of my late night philosophical musings; of those moments when I just sit and question things - when I just sit and write whatever's flowing through my head; when I just lie in bed staring at the night sky, contemplating the future, the past, the meaning of something deep.

But change is inevitable, and for me especially I mold to the people around me so easily. It's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact I'm happy. These past few months may have been a big blur, but a big happy blur with a few ups and downs and a few tiny small moments of heartache where I felt like tearing my head off and use it to smash a hole in the wall. But other than that, it's been good. I've been good. And you know what? I have faith that the old me will manage to hold on and come with me for the reset of the ride through 2012.

I think one of the biggest goals I should be trying to achieve is to make myself stop being so damn scared of everything. I'm getting there little by little, but I want to be fearless. I want to be confident and unintimidated, to charge through life unafraid of taking opportunities thrown my way, unafraid to go out there and snatch myself some opportunities if they don't come to me, and most importantly unafraid to make things happen, to say yes, to be happy, to stay happy, to live with no regret, no fear, and even no hate.

I want to be one of those people that can make other people happy, that can tease a laugh or a smile out of someone and make their day that little bit better and brighter and lighter.

For now, find me here:
http://lovesongsandrainynights.blogspot.com

(Not to say I won't be back here, I might. Just waiting for the words to come back to me)

Look at that tiny house peaking through the light

The sun's setting gold. There's a tiny ferry tutting across the harbour water, leaving a trail of white. I can see North Head illuminated, glowing because of the sunset. Rangitoto looms in the background like a guard. There are sails and cranes and buildings and people, and in the far far distance, little houses peeking through the light.

The sky's this indescribable colour of grey and blue and cyan and mauve, tinted with a blush of that fading brown. Like the whole world's awash with some nostalgic sepia. I can't help staring at that tiny boat sail back and forth, back and forth. There's someone standing at the balcony window opposite. There's someone walking along the road outside. All these things. All these people. This is the world. This is what being alive feels like. Friendships can break, love can fail, family can leave and people can pass away, but what will never disappear, are the clouds that drift past your patch of sky everyday. The sea that sparkles under the setting sun. The people that keep on walking, the boats that keep on sailing, no matter how you're feeling today; no matter what problems you're facing.

The world will keep on spinning without you, and that's the excruciating beauty of it. The grandness. Your insignificance. How tall the heavens are above you, how deep the earth stretches below you, and then there's just little, unremarkable you. Born into this world maybe by accident, maybe by chance, but definitely not by fate. Think about it. What are the possibilities of you, this exact person, existing in this world? From birth till now, every decision, every choice and every split creating infinite possible futures, pasts, and people with the same name and same parents and same history as you, but are not you.

And yet, here you sit. This precise and irreplaceable version of you that exists nowhere else in time and space. You're allowed to sit and observe the world from your own little corner. Watch the clouds darken. The sun disappear. The lights of thousands of other homes flicker on. The clatter of plates, the occasional bale of laughter. All on a backdrop of stillness. Silence. A serene, serene night, and a low mumble of of the city as it finally settles down.

A tiny flag billowing in the wind; the tap-tap of my fingers on the keyboard. And the thing that makes it all so real, a cool breeze whispering across my cheek; on it I can smell the ocean and taste the salt; hear the laughter and feel the calm of the whole city.

Like in a dream. Such a beautiful, vivid dream filled with details you could spend your whole life observing and pursuing and still never reach the end. Wouldn't it be sad to wake up from such a dream? Wouldn't it be a terrible, terrifying shame if you never got to find out where that little boat went, what it'd be like to live in a little house peaking through the setting light, how the sky would look if you were flying through it separated by only a window?

If reality is only a dream, if life is only a passing gift that we've landed ourselves with by an impossible chance, then why not make the most out of it? What else is there? Incomprehensible nothingness and otherness. We only know this life. What do feelings and problems matter on the grand scale of things? Just look at the world. It's yours to explore, to see and smell and do. Why would you ever want to waste even a second of your life on unimportant feelings and other insignificant people?

Why would you ever want to end this wonderful dream early?

Speed of Life (see what I did there)

It's scary how fast life goes by these days. a day in a blink of an eye, a week in two. A year sometimes feels like you went to sleep on the 31st of December, only to wake up on the 31st of December a year later with the vague recollections of a very vivid dream.

I recently watched a video on Youtube explaining the whole "life is like a roll of toilet paper - it gets faster as you get nearer towards the end" quote. New experiences are always so vivid in our memory. The "firsts" of our lives happened in our childhood, making everyday when you were a kid seem like a journey, the littlest things traumatic, the tiniest surprises making you estatic.

But when we start to grow up, "firsts" become rare. There's not many firsts left for us to do. Or, more often than not, we choose not to take anymore "firsts". Because living inside your comfort zone is so damn comfortable right? Taking risks is.. well risky (brilliant vocab I have today), and being safe will guarantee contentment.

But contentment isn't happiness.. it's not that true, exhilarating happiness you experience in those brief and precious moments of your life. Why do people strive to be happy? Because it feels good I guess. But see, feeling good doesn't feel good if you feel good all the time (I can't help that my brain is coming up with such amazing synonyms). Happiness can only be truly appreciated if you've experienced hardship and stress and sadness and anger on the road to happiness.

Life is short because time flies. Time flies because what is time? It's all in your head. A set of mutual memories shared between a few people. Our brain records these memories and learns from them. If you don't do anything knew, the brain doesn't have to do much work to process what's just happened. That memory will just drift away and be lost among a whole swamp of murky happenings. Only your firsts remain vivid inside your head. They're milestones of your life, right?

To make time fly, easy. Do the same thing every single day. Soon it'll be almost robotic. You'll wake up to find yourself at work, not remembering how you got dressed, brushed your teeth and walked in a daze to the office. But it must have happened because here you are, exactly where you've been everyday at this time. Are you happy? No. But are you sad? No, you're not sad either. You're content.

But to make time slow down? To remember the vivid recollection that was last night, the exhilarating rush of adrenaline that was last night, the uncontrollable smile of true happiness that's the result of last night; well that's a bit harder. How can you constantly keep yourself on your toes? Doing new things, taking more "firsts" and creating more "lasts", making life feel longer and richer and fuller and grander...

Oh man I'm so hungry..

I need to

1. Stop buying things / spending money / buying things for the sake of spending money

2. Stop spending money just because I can / just because there's no one to stop me / just because if I was a Sim in Sims Social my 'social' and 'fun' meter would glowing red with an unimpressed and highly disapproving frowny smiley face next to it

3. Stop raging at that real estate guy (if he replies - if not then continue to slander him with obscenities)

4. Stop thinking about food (ideally the allocation of brain functionality between thinking about food vs.other should be at a ratio of 1:9 respectively. The current ratio of 8:2 is dangerously high and poses a threat to mental health / well being / ability to function normally

5. Stop writing this pointless and extremely unrealistic list because if I don't sleep within the next 45 minutes I'm going to end up as one of those Sims who scares away all their friends by accidentally-on-purpose insulting them due to PMS and a lack of sleep (also since I didn't have time to shower I'm going to smell real bad and have a posy of those virtual Sim flies buzzing around my bum)

So I want to talk about China

I've been too lazy to blog recently. Plus since I got back from China life has been so monotonous and repetitive and materialistic and lazy and safe and devoid of emotional turmoil/philosophical enlightenment, that 3 weeks have merged into one giant long day of haziness. And most importantly, since I feel so useless these days, I wanted to make sure I'd blog about something important. Something meaningful and provocative and good. Today I was feeling reminiscent of China, and I think I found something.

When you walk into a new country, sometimes it's like nothing has changed. Sometimes it's like everything is different. The ground you tread on is a dirt road, the sky above you is a murky grey, the air around you is crisp and stale at the same time, woven together with a tinge of sickly sweet. The 'sickly sweet' is a result of the mid-afternoon sun beating relentlessly on those few unfortunate mandarins that have fallen off from their branch a little early.

That was one of the most valuable experiences I gained on this trip around China. The feeling of bicycling down a country lane past fields of green, acres of not-yet-ripe mandarin trees, and an endless expanse of untainted silence - occasionally harmonised with a few bird calls, the 'ring-ring!' of another bicycle bell, or a steady tutting sound fading off into the distance as a scooter makes its way home.

Of course, it isn't a lost paradise. Even amongst the pandora-like mountains of Guilin, where the scenery along the Li Jiang river is so insanely beautiful it becomes surreal and my eyes at first refused to accept what it was really seeing, there are ordinary locals going about their harsh daily routine to make a living: Sons born along the river spend everyday rowing gondolas for money. Women wash clothes on the banks. The grandpas sit quietly inside century-old stone cottages, feeding chickens, cows and fish eagles. The grandmas sit outside with giant bowls of silk worms, spending the whole day peeling off silk to sell. The little kids run around the streets, playing with sticks, chasing chickens and drawing shapes into the dirt.

Older kids have already left for school in a nearby town. When we asked a little boy for directions, he opened his mouth and told us in a mature and serious voice. He then turned around and carried on playing with his friends and some empty fruit shells on the ground.

People in beautiful places like this don't get to experience the beauty. One of the gondola rowers told me, the locals born into this place often curse the beautiful mountains for existing. They're too steep to climb, too much stone to grow crops on, too stubborn and dense to take down. The only thing they're good for is to look at. So the whole city of Guilin, all the surrounding towns and villages dotted around its many rivers, thrive on the flocks of tourists, laden with cash and LV bags and iPhones, to provide them enough money to send their kid to school so that they can grow up not slaving over manual labour for a living.

My dad said to the gondola driver, "You're very lucky, this place is very beautiful. To be able to wake up and see a scenery like this everyday, you're very lucky."

The gondola driver replied: "Lucky? We don't call this lucky. We think people like you are lucky, people with enough money to travel, to see places, to eat whatever you want to eat and go where ever you want to go."

And my mum said to me, "Look at this place. Look at how the people live here. What if you'd been born here? What if you had to grow up feeding chickens and growing crops, toiling day after day and never given the opportunity to leave or to be better. Isn't it unfair how people are born into different places? Some people are born here, where little kids start working as soon as they understand how; some people are born into a rich house with rich food and never know the true meaning of 'work' or 'labour'."

Isn't it unfair? Isn't it unfair that there even exists on this planet, people who are so fat that they are at risk of dying if they get any fatter? These people whose gluttony knows no boundaries, whose government feeds them, and when they're about to die, gives them an operation worth tens of thousands to save their pitiful life so they can keep on sitting and eating.

Compare them to the old grandmas who peel silk all day to sell; to the old grandmas who walk around the streets picking up plastic bottles and adding them to the big bag over one shoulder; to the old grandmas that swarm around tourist vans gently begging you to buy a flower wreath they weaved themselves for just 2RMB, their eyes filled with sincere pleading.

I know that there are millions, if not billions all over the world living in such undeveloped places, living in the past, living where such ordinary things to us are treated as luxuries by them. I also know that often, the financial situation of families can be so dire that they resort ro petty and cruel ways of making money, getting little kids to beg to invoke sympathy, even mutilating their own child so that they can horrify more people into opening their wallets.

But seeing these people and these places with your own eyes is very different to knowing. The faces of old people pleading me to buy their hand made flowers remind me of my grandma. It reminds me that they're probably a grandma to some kid, and unlike me, that kid might depend on his grandma's many 2RMBs to be able to eat something yummy tonight for dinner or to be able to get a new school bag. Even if these people are knowingly taking advantage of your pity, even if they're tricking you to pay more, ripping you off, even if there are far too many of them for you to be able to help, the truth remains that they need your 2RMB much more than you do.

The most painful truth about all this is that really, there's nothing that can be done to change the lives of these people. At least, nothing immediate, nothing on a scale smaller than a revolution, nothing that can be achieved without ensuing more damage or suffering first. The fact is that China, like India, just has so many people. So. Many. People. How is it possible to ensure all of them can live a decent life? You can't. China's huge. Massive. Compare it to New Zealand, this small, minuscule country with a history of around a hundred years, versus China, the Middle Kingdom that began developing over 5000 years ago, the economy, the culture, the language, the way of living, all thousands of years old. How do you change a way of thinking and a way of living so ancient, so ingrained into everyone there?

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. All I want is for those old grandmas out everyday begging tourists to buy their hand-made things to be able to live a life where they don't have to.

***

Li Jiang River, mountains of Guilin (image edited using iphone)

View from within an alley in a small village tucked away on the river bank

My dad's gondola raft rowing past a patch of houses along Yu Long river

View from my raft down Yu Long river. Surreal beauty. So tranquil. Water so clear and still, it's amazing.

Old grandmas peeling a sort of vegetable by hand in a village

Mother gives her child a ride while doing work

Someone's door

Letting hand made noodles dry in the sun

Three person journey.

New goal

Hmmm I was deliberating whether to title this post as "I have a dream" or "A new hope", but I resisted (watching too much Big Bang Theory makes you come up with cheesy/nerdy puns I've concluded). But yeah with this year's results coming out, the subject of scholarships has been broached again by my parents. The computer science department is not without its rewards (as I've only just discovered, although it's still not as well funded as some other departments). There's a "Kiwiplan Scholarship" worth 4.5k that's rewarded each year to three students in their second-to-last year of study. For me that'll probably be next year (although I'm still doubting whether I can be mentally mature enough to jump straight into the workforce after only 3 years at uni...) and all they ask is a bare minimum GPA of 6, "excellent" verbal/written english, and enough charisma to convince them that you have problem solving skills, project management skills, interpersonal skills, keen interest and relevant experience etc. etc.

The main thing is that the recipients also receive around two and a half months of summer employment at the Kiwiplan company. They're even so reasonable as to give your two weeks of holiday upon request. And although working away the whole summer for two months+ (not being able to return home or go overseas..) it still sounds like a pretty good deal to me. As long as they do pay you and it's not one of those "voluntary work experience" internships that may look great on your CV but leaves you broke from paying accommodation costs.

I wonder how I can make myself proactive at uni next year. It's not like high school where councils are easy to get into and you do basically fat all for the whole year.. maybe AIESEC? I have to work super hard to maintain grades as well as not drop out halfway through the year like I kinda did with everything I joined this year. But why not, it's better than being a bum and wasting my time away playing facebook games and watching American/British sitcoms like I did this year (apart from Dr Who. Time watching Dr Who was time well spent)

Lol and I initially had the plan to fill my spare time next year with gym. Out of laziness I'd pick study over gym any day, cognitive exercise is so much less painful than any form of physical exertion.

Oh god I'm such a nerd.

Today

Woke up today on the right side of the bed for the first time in a long time. The sun was shining, the day was fresh, I felt so light-hearted and happy. Even though I missed my bus and had to spend ten bucks catching the airport flyer instead only to wait another fifteen minutes for the bus driver while he tinkered on his monitor and walkie-talkied his boss about how to sign into his shift, (huge breath) for some strange reason that still didn't ruin my day.

The feeling of talking to someone, gossiping and laughing after such a long drought of social interaction due to my unhealthy relationship with my bed (and occasionally cheating on it with my laptop), is amazing and so liberating. For strange some reason being back in Wellington just makes things so much more easier and straightforward. The things I was running away from last year seem silly. And for some strange, strange reason, today Wellington felt so much brighter and better than Auckland.

Plus I got my grades back! Well all but one (The one that I know I did worse in... but let's just ignore that for fear of spoiling this strange day). I got a pleasant surprise, I'm still suspecting it's a typo tbh, or, today's just a really, really good day. The results that came out only left me with one regret (because missing out on a grade by only 1% just seems much too unfair, I only needed to work that teed bit harder...), but other than that I've been so relieved and happy and carefree today, it makes me want to always feel this way.

NEXT YEAR EVERYDAY WILL BE LIKE TODAY :D FEEL HAPPY ALL THE DAYS!

Keep being happy! Go go! I can do it! Don't let things get me down, be brave, be strong and don't look back at the past, just concentrate on the future. Do it!

Lol even while typing these things already reality's sort of setting in, the blind euphoria's wearing off.

Dear Brain,

I'll deal with troubles and worries tomorrow, please please let today remain untainted, just this one little day.

Sincerely,
Heart