So I recently moved away from home to another city for university. I had been waiting for this change to happen for over a year. Waiting and yearning for it, for some sort of change and escape from the dull, monotonous and suffocating life I'd lived back home. I convinced myself to hate repetition, routine, familiarity, and instead to embrace change, excitement and unpredictability. I say convince myself because right now, I'm not sure what I feel anymore.
Coming here to a big city made me feel like a country girl. But the thing about big, monumental changes such as leaving home, is that you can never truly predict what it'll be like until you experience it. It'll always surprise you in some way. I expected it to be truly wonderful, liberating and fun, right from day one. But it wasn't. Why? Because inside, I was still a kid. I wanted my mum. No matter how much I said I didn't want my parents around to be nosy and tell me what to do all the time, I felt like they were my lifeline when I first stepped into this giant place, swarming with unfamiliar people, faces, noises.
Everything was different to how I expected it to be. The first night I slept by myself, I'd never felt so lonely before. The feeling of isolation drowned me. No matter how childish it sounds, all I really wanted to do was throw myself into a pair of arms that were warm, familiar and comforting, that made me feel less like curling up into a ball under my duvet just to try and escape the loneliness. I never felt like that ever before. Back at home, I hated staying home. I went out as much as possible. I liked it best when I went on camp or went on holiday to another city. I hated having my parents trying to mind my business, because I could do it myself.
In the first few days here, I was also so nervous. Not as in the nerves you get before a 5 minute speech. But a constant dread, butterflies and aching in your stomach that just didn't go away for days and made you lose your appetite, the type of nervous that you get before what you know will be a life-changing experience.
It's been 3 weeks now, and I guess I've settled in. I have laughed a lot and had a lot of enjoyable moments, and I walk the streets now not like a stranger scared to be spotted as an outsider, but more like they were my own streets back home, the familiar route to the mall and library that I used to take several times a day when I just wanted to curl up with a book on the grass and read.
When I think about my family though, it still brings me close to tears for some reason. I'm not sure if it's because I miss them too much, or because I just want to be home. Because I don't. I don't want to go back to that place, to live at least. I still remember the problems and frustrations I had back there, the feeling I had of being so sick of everything. And yet I still want to know that it's there, waiting for me to come back when I do want. I think right now I just crave something familiar. Familiar faces and places, safe and comforting places that I know well, and people who know me well, will look after me and make me feel safe. I feel lonely when I think about what my family does everyday. Are they happy right now? If only they're having a really peaceful and happy time while I'm away. Then I'd feel less guilty for not making the most of things here.
People have also been talking a lot about a big earthquake about to occur in Wellington. Since the Chch earthquake, everyone's pretty scared. And welly's long overdue for a big one. I feel scared every time I think about it. To think that perhaps one day I might wake up to find that I will never be able to see those familiar faces again or run into those pairs of familiar arms and feel safe and loved, that I'll never be able to go back home and visit my little sanctuaries to find them unchanged and waiting for me...
It's so scary. As someone who just recently became a small girl in a big city, my courage has depleted to being non-existent. I get scared by a lot of things these days, and I've become scared of a lot of things too. But amidst so many of my own petty little problems, the scariest thought so far is the thought that what if one day I'll never get to see home again.
Coming here to a big city made me feel like a country girl. But the thing about big, monumental changes such as leaving home, is that you can never truly predict what it'll be like until you experience it. It'll always surprise you in some way. I expected it to be truly wonderful, liberating and fun, right from day one. But it wasn't. Why? Because inside, I was still a kid. I wanted my mum. No matter how much I said I didn't want my parents around to be nosy and tell me what to do all the time, I felt like they were my lifeline when I first stepped into this giant place, swarming with unfamiliar people, faces, noises.
Everything was different to how I expected it to be. The first night I slept by myself, I'd never felt so lonely before. The feeling of isolation drowned me. No matter how childish it sounds, all I really wanted to do was throw myself into a pair of arms that were warm, familiar and comforting, that made me feel less like curling up into a ball under my duvet just to try and escape the loneliness. I never felt like that ever before. Back at home, I hated staying home. I went out as much as possible. I liked it best when I went on camp or went on holiday to another city. I hated having my parents trying to mind my business, because I could do it myself.
In the first few days here, I was also so nervous. Not as in the nerves you get before a 5 minute speech. But a constant dread, butterflies and aching in your stomach that just didn't go away for days and made you lose your appetite, the type of nervous that you get before what you know will be a life-changing experience.
It's been 3 weeks now, and I guess I've settled in. I have laughed a lot and had a lot of enjoyable moments, and I walk the streets now not like a stranger scared to be spotted as an outsider, but more like they were my own streets back home, the familiar route to the mall and library that I used to take several times a day when I just wanted to curl up with a book on the grass and read.
When I think about my family though, it still brings me close to tears for some reason. I'm not sure if it's because I miss them too much, or because I just want to be home. Because I don't. I don't want to go back to that place, to live at least. I still remember the problems and frustrations I had back there, the feeling I had of being so sick of everything. And yet I still want to know that it's there, waiting for me to come back when I do want. I think right now I just crave something familiar. Familiar faces and places, safe and comforting places that I know well, and people who know me well, will look after me and make me feel safe. I feel lonely when I think about what my family does everyday. Are they happy right now? If only they're having a really peaceful and happy time while I'm away. Then I'd feel less guilty for not making the most of things here.
People have also been talking a lot about a big earthquake about to occur in Wellington. Since the Chch earthquake, everyone's pretty scared. And welly's long overdue for a big one. I feel scared every time I think about it. To think that perhaps one day I might wake up to find that I will never be able to see those familiar faces again or run into those pairs of familiar arms and feel safe and loved, that I'll never be able to go back home and visit my little sanctuaries to find them unchanged and waiting for me...
It's so scary. As someone who just recently became a small girl in a big city, my courage has depleted to being non-existent. I get scared by a lot of things these days, and I've become scared of a lot of things too. But amidst so many of my own petty little problems, the scariest thought so far is the thought that what if one day I'll never get to see home again.
i really admire your articulacy, it makes these posts really enjoyable and refreshing to read. sorry about the stalking, i really cbf my exam tomorrow xD
ReplyDeletebut things are much better now right? now that youve settled in and made new friends and everything.
imo, change is a necessary and important part of living life. i mean not all change is good, but we should learn to embrace it.
articulacy? omg was that a compliment? :D lol thanks, I really appreciate it. I haven't gotten many compliments on my writing before tbh ><
ReplyDeleteyaaa, I mean I realised, it's my own problem. It's all in my head, me dragging myself down etc. there's a lot of amazing people around me (like alex :D and you guys :D) so I should stop being a little kid and embrace the maturity that it takes to face these things.
on a side note.. TT I'M NOT LIABLE FOR THE FAILURE OF YOUR EXAM OKAZ