Tuesday, October 4, 2011

For some reason

For some reason these days I feel like I can't be bothered to do anything.

(Which sounds really bad. And it is. I'm not really talking about just school work either. By this time throughout the year I've sort of had the time to deduct that nothing I take right now can be so hard for me to master that I'll actually struggle intensely. So I've slipped into a sort of over-confident mindset (always a warning sign), skipping class and skimming texts until the week or few days before an assessment when I know I have to study.)

I feel like I'm just so tired of my life, everything, day after day, it's all so monotonous. I can't take it.

The worst thing is I've recently fallen into a state where I just can't be bothered interacting with people. It's just too much effort, really it is. When I bump into someone and stop to say hi which consequently leads into a conversation about uni and life, all I'm thinking is that really right now I'd much rather be in my little shoe box room by myself, curled up in my bed watching doctor who and eating instant noodles. But then I get tired of that too, being alone and eating noodles. (I ran out of doctor who to watch) It's just that it's become like an instinct to stop trying to be social at all. I'm too tired. Thinking back to the beginning of the year when I tried so much, chatted to people in lectures and tutorials, at lunch, at my hall.. now it's just too tiring. It's not my natural instinct to talk. I prefer the silence. To think instead. I've always been used to doing things by myself, because I grew up doing almost everything by myself. I remember when I was little, at first it was a weird notion to ask someone to go on an errand with me, to go toilet, to go to the office, when I could do it perfectly well by myself. That used to be my mindset.

But then high school and things change you. Going to camp, suddenly meeting such an onslaught of new people, faces, you start to evolve and blend in with the status quo. And even though I still feel like I'd rather be alone instead of trying to talk to people, I can't, no matter how hard I try, revert back to the mindset that it's okay to be alone instead of trying to talk to people. So now when I have lunch by myself, I feel lonely. When I'm eating instant noodles by myself in my shoebox room and I can hear the laughter of people downstairs in the dining hall, I feel lonely. When I fall asleep at night listening to my neighbour and his girlfriend laughing hysterically and (for some really strange reason; haven't been able to work out why) doing monkey impersonations, I feel so, so lonely.

I wish I was still that little girl who could wake up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and run into the next room to sleep with my grandma.

I wish I was still that little girl who was perfectly content with spending a glorious day in a little corner of the library, reading to her heart's content and, when the sun starts setting, start walking home in the fresh evening air, licking a 50c ice cream from maccas (because I had 50c and I was old enough to buy one without parental guidance).

(I also wish that right now I had more than 99c in my bank account so I can go downstairs and buy a pie/melona from city star.)

I never thought I'd say this but I even miss high school sometimes now, which is really, really strange because by the end of year 13 I really hated it. Maybe I just miss those days spent in the design room with permission to skip all my classes so I could finish a brief on time. I definitely kind of miss that last hectic week of art painting; the whole class sprawled over every inch of ground and corridor in the art block, painting, painting, gluing, drawing, sticking smoothing.. a year's sweat and pain accumulating to those final few hours of marathon painting.

(Is that why I miss high school; art? Because with art and design I could always challenge myself to do better, create better? Yes, there were no boundaries to what was good enough, you could never be good enough, always better. But with programming and logic and maths, all there is is right or wrong. All you need to do is learn it and do it. No need for brainstorming, inspiration, hours of designing concepts, thumbnail sketches and fiddling with every single little detail because you know it all matters, every last layer, every last stroke.)

Hang on; I just remembered (yes I'd forgot..) what else I miss so much about high school is English. Scholarship English on thursday afternoons, Mr. Edgecombe digging up some short story or novel from the literary canon, and while analysing the first passage of the text our conversation would somehow wander and get swept away by a controversial debate. I remember thinking at that time; "This is what I enjoy and I want to be able to talk to people like this in the future, have discussions like this, philosophical musings and analysing hidden meanings simply talk about deep things that make you do a double take and go, wow, that was deep". Guess that didn't exactly work out :|

I don't even know what I'm trying to say, just all these random emotions and thoughts floating around in my head when I still can't fall asleep at 3 in the morning.

I think the reason for all this is that I don't feel like there's any point to get up every morning. There's nothing to look forward to anymore. Life is dull, life is lonely, and life is full of boring, unchallenging and mundane tasks to do that presents itself to me with no great interest. Basically, life is go to uni (feel hungry), class, eat, procrastinate, (study maybe), home, doctor who, (occasional midnight snack), (deduce that it's time to vacuum/laundry/clean up), sleep, and repeat till I want to bang my head against the wall in monotony.

This is a really long entry.

But anyways, I've just finished watching doctor who behind-the-scenes on youtube, concluded that 99c is not enough to buy anything from city star apart from a lollipop, deduced that yes, I really need to vacuum and wash my clothes soon (note: cash out one dollar coins next time at city star) and yes, I need think to think about sleeping sometime within the next hour.


  1. I feel like that from time to time as well. But then again you got to think back and remember all the little things you enjoy in life. Just the little that get you by day to day.

    I don't know if this is case for you, but I found all of this is due to laziness and a lack of initiative to do something with the amount of free time you have. Go do something you always wanted to do, learn something new, do something, anything.

    The clock is counting down so might as well make it worth it? (easier said than done, I know how hard it is to stop being lazy)

  2. I agree with Billy, i think it stems from becoming too comfortable and thus losing your motivation. i think in these situations you kinda just have to force yourself to do things. sleep early for once, lie in the dark even if you cant fall asleep. then get up early in the morning and just go for a walk. it should clear the fog a little.

  3. You guys are completely right, billy really hit it on the head. Just gotta start the habit of being bothered to go to class even if I don't need to, and ask people to hang out even if I don't feel like it.

    Every day that passes is another day closer to the end of our lives..

  4. Yup, pretty much. But having said that, it's still a mission to get out of being lazy.