What's truly important

So I've come to realise why life feels so aimless and dull and dreary. It's not motivation I lack (well actually it kinda is but it sounds better to say it this way), more like a lack of something to motivate me. I need a challenge. Not only that, I need fierce competition. Having embraced the calm of lying in bed unable to sleep and letting deep and transcending thoughts attack my mind (well, not calmly and not embraced), I've realised that shockingly, I can't remember when was the last time I actually set a goal and fulfilled it. I mean there were certainly high points in my life this year when I did achieve something semi-noteworthy in contrast to the drone of everything else, but it didn't come about as me setting myself a target and doing whatever it takes until I reached it.

To think I used to cry over a Merit in English or that I'd gained 0.5kg. My past self is almost laughable when I think about it that way. The conclusion to all this however, is that I've realised that I can't be satisfied living day after day devoid of the need to prove myself. I need to need to prove myself (WORDCEPTION; wait not really). I need competition to overcome so I can prove myself. Oh, won't you come out and play darling little rivals of mine? Maybe I should be like Monica and learn how to compete with myself. But I'd most likely lose to my past self, so that's no fun at all.

When I think of the unfairness so many things gone past, people who've wrongly assumed the worst of me, accused me of things I didn't do, recognition that I should've been received for blood and sweat and hardwork but instead went to people who were simply lucky and blundered on into the prize, most of all, the injustice of so many things still going on in the world; if somehow I was given a voice, then I can speak out? Then something can be done to make those close-minded, ignorant people see, to see why they are so wrong, why their vision is so narrow that it hardly permits then to see anything but what they want to see.

Something I've also noticed is how this blog has progressively become more self-centered and "woe-is-me". I don't like it, although I'm not sure if I can help it. There are days when my mood is so dark, my outlook so grey that it seems like I have to write it all down, pour out the venomous black liquid filling me with bitter resentment or else be at risk of imploding/exploding/becoming a black hole of gloom. Maybe if I manage to work this self-improvement thing and succeed in my goal (note the goal setting; I'm beginning to improve already!), maybe it'll inspire me to write about other things, more important things than myself (haha). The need to make this blog arose because I needed to publish something really badly; that first entry was a message I wanted to convey to as many people as possible: and I still do. If you haven't read it and you're reading this, read it please.

http://bittersweeted.blogspot.com/2010/10/look-at-us-all-living-little.html

I know I've changed a lot from the person who wrote that. It's so hard to not be superficial and not become absorbed into the over-indulging, materialistic lifestyle around us. It's very, very hard to keep a grasp on that feeling of transcendence when you realise the world has much bigger fish to fry than your little woes and joys, and likewise you, should have bigger fish to worry about than your own silly little goldfish dilemmas. When I lose my grasp on that mind set (okay, to be honest it's been out of reach for awhile; playing hard to get), I read back on what I wrote last year and the undeniable emotions of sadness and disgust at our superficial come back to me for a that brief moment. It's still there. I just have to sort out myself first before I can fully grasp it and show the world what's really important.